The night struggle

I think when you have a miscarriage, or many miscarriages, or when you struggle with infertility it does something to you. It affects you and your marriage. It never affected our marriage in a bad, only made us stronger. Sometimes its hard and you cry and you feel lots and lots of pain.
I felt something amazing for the first time in a long time when I had Tucker. I knew a miracle had been placed on us. We had went through TONS of heartache before Tucker was born. We endured lots of pain with back to back miscarriages and actually thought maybe we wouldn't be parents? (also, I still think of all you GALS struggling...I think of you daily and pray a little prayer for you. One day you will have bliss....I know it)
After I had Tucker is was pure bliss. I had finally become a mother to a perfectly healthy wonderful little boy. We had accomplished that now! I did all the things I said I would do and practiced being the best mom I could be.(this includes Tucker sleeping ALONE) Then Tucker got sick. He was in and out of the ER and just sick. I felt guilty and horrible for him being in pain. I cried again all the time (I think this was my post pardom time). So after him sleeping like an angel in his bassinet for weeks, he was on the couch with me because I couldn't stand the thought of that little sick baby being alone in his bassinet.
So here we are.....5 weeks later and I can not stand the thought of putting him back in his bed. I was in tears last night when Nate said, "Maybe we should try to put him in his bed, and we can go back to ours". The truth is Nate felt the same way I did. He loved me nurturing Tucker and sleeping on the cough with him. He hurt the same way I did when Tucker was sick and knew this was the best way to handle him. He slept on the small cough beside us...and still does :). (I know he is tooooo sweet)
So the night struggle is...I don't want Tucker to go to his bed. I don't want him with out me. And I wonder, is it because I had so much pain and heartache before he was here? I think so. Then he got sick and the pain and worrying resurfaced once again.
Tonight is supposed to be the night he "tries" his bed...that is if I am strong enough to put him there.

Winter Catch Up

Its only been a little over a month since I have been back at work but it seems like an eternity. So many things have happened included 205825516 inches of snow it seemed. Lets get a run down of how its been.



Kailee ready for sledding!!!



Liam throwing snowballs



Tucker enjoying the snow from the window....look out next year



Tucker's baptism. We had this event on Valentine's day so it will always be a little extra special.

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Godfather was nate's brother Keith and Godmother was my sister in law Jin!!! I think they will do a fantastic job



Notice the bottle?? Tucker screamed through the WHOLE baptism



He likes his bumbo seat....Look how big he is? 3 months!!

More catching up tomorrow...more pics to come

Just call me Nemo

Today is Ash Wednesday....which in my religion means a time to sacrifice and "give up" for God for the next 40 days. You should treat the Easter season as a time to reflect on what we have been given all because of what Christ did for us for 40 days many moons ago.
In the past I have given up sweet teas, all sweets, fast food and such for 40 days.40days is a long time to make a promise and stick with it. This year I am trying to out do myself. I have decided to eat this for lunch...and only this for lunch for the next 40 days.



Hello Tuna Fish!!!! Now, I can eat it on crackers, on bread or on a salad. I can mix it with light mayo, mustard or relish. I can add eggs or fat free cheese. Its 40 days...I need to get creative. However, you can not eat it on french fries or a big mac.

I am sure by Easter I will gag at the smell of Tuna but for now...for the next 40 days I will be eating with my friend Tuna fish.

( this was my boss's idea and I think it was a good one. And since so far I have dont nothing to lose my baby weight, this is a start. I also am going to do my 30 minute work out for God..I mean if you can't work out for God than who can you for?)

The weekend

Woooo..I needed a breather after this weekend. We were a family on the GO for sure. So much to do so little time. Saturday day I had my hair done and we had a 30th bday party to attend that evening. (Nate's big 30th is right around the corner!!!!) It was nice catching up with friends and sitting down to talk with no interruptions. Little Tuck stayed with his grandparents and I think they enjoyed watching him just as much as we enjoyed an evening out. Tucker is feeling much much better than he has. He still has a slight cough, but 90 percent better than he has felt the last couple of weeks. I PRAY we are over the worst of it and I PRAY spring is right around the corner :)

Sunday was a fun day. Sheri at www.bellabambinophotography.com had a photo shoot for a SASSY VDAY SHOOT!!! It was so much fun! Professional hair and make up and one photo of your choice. It was great visiting with all the ladies while sipping wine and getting beautiful! She is doing another shoot in April and I am seriously contemplating doing it again b/c it was that much fun.

After a day of being pampered it was time to get in game mode and get ready for football. Here is the part where I avoid what actually happened during the game b/c I still can't face the fact that the COLTS lost.

Ok we are over talking about that...here is me during the shoot on Sunday. I am not crazy about pics of myself but I did order one for our bedroom....nobody goes in there anyways :)

We are ready

The outfits are picked out....The camera is charged.....I can smell the appetizers already.....WE are ready for the Superbowl!!!

Of course my family will all be wearing Colts BLUE! Even Tucker has a whole Colts outfit to wear. His first Superbowl and the mom's team is playing...how exciting (Dad's team is the Dolphins). I know the sad story of how the Saints have never been to a Superbowl and how they are the underdog and blah blah....we dont' care.
The Colts are our team and we will be cheering them on.

This year we have a birthday party/ Superbowl party. Just so happens we have 2 nephews born around the same time in Feb and we have to split the parties and Superbowl was the only time to host Nick's party. So as much as I enjoy watching kids tear open presents lets just hope he doesn't get in the way of the T.V.

So are you a sports fanatic? Do you watch the game for the game or for the commerials like my mom? How do you celebrate?

Throwing yourself at a bus

Having a sick baby is the WORST feeling in the world. I compare it to throwing yourself at a bus....and losing!!
In the last 3 weeks Tucker has battled ear aches, a slight chance of pneumonia and RSV(this is the latest this week). The coughing, the snotty nose, the screaming, the not eating, the breathing treatments, the meds, the fever....with all of this you would rather through yourself at a bus..seriously. There is nothing worse than a sick baby. I would be sick a hundred times if it meant he would be well.
So how does mom and dad react: A little fighting, a little screaming, and in my case a whole lot of crying. I never went through post pardon after Tucker was born but I think I am battling it now. Every time he cries...I cry. Every time he screams..I want to scream and this is all because I can't do anything to take the pain way. I want to drink bottles and bottles of wine but limit myself because I realize that I would pass out and not hear baby cry and this would be child neglect.
So the decision was made to pull him outta daycare yesterday. He will be staying with grandparents until summer arrives or until we know he is way way outta this sickness stage. I have beat myself up over this daycare thing....but what are working moms supposed to do?? I love my job! I get adult time and face it...my job is easy peesy. I love going to work although I miss Tucker deeply, but I enjoy getting outta the house. I like my own money, and I am just not a stay in the house kinda person. I have to get out and accomplish something. (not that stay at home moms dont b/c for 9 weeks with Tucker at home I was BEAT everyday) But we are pulling him outta daycare. Do I blame daycare for sickness....NO. Tucker just is a sicker baby. But he has gotta it made now....staying with grandmas all day long. Wow, I will have on spoiled child very very soon

So anyways..while I sit here and cry and sip my wine and get ready to yell at nate when he walks in for no reason at all...say a Prayer Tucker gets well soon :)