Thursday, February 25, 2010

The night struggle

I think when you have a miscarriage, or many miscarriages, or when you struggle with infertility it does something to you. It affects you and your marriage. It never affected our marriage in a bad, only made us stronger. Sometimes its hard and you cry and you feel lots and lots of pain.
I felt something amazing for the first time in a long time when I had Tucker. I knew a miracle had been placed on us. We had went through TONS of heartache before Tucker was born. We endured lots of pain with back to back miscarriages and actually thought maybe we wouldn't be parents? (also, I still think of all you GALS struggling...I think of you daily and pray a little prayer for you. One day you will have bliss....I know it)
After I had Tucker is was pure bliss. I had finally become a mother to a perfectly healthy wonderful little boy. We had accomplished that now! I did all the things I said I would do and practiced being the best mom I could be.(this includes Tucker sleeping ALONE) Then Tucker got sick. He was in and out of the ER and just sick. I felt guilty and horrible for him being in pain. I cried again all the time (I think this was my post pardom time). So after him sleeping like an angel in his bassinet for weeks, he was on the couch with me because I couldn't stand the thought of that little sick baby being alone in his bassinet.
So here we are.....5 weeks later and I can not stand the thought of putting him back in his bed. I was in tears last night when Nate said, "Maybe we should try to put him in his bed, and we can go back to ours". The truth is Nate felt the same way I did. He loved me nurturing Tucker and sleeping on the cough with him. He hurt the same way I did when Tucker was sick and knew this was the best way to handle him. He slept on the small cough beside us...and still does :). (I know he is tooooo sweet)
So the night struggle is...I don't want Tucker to go to his bed. I don't want him with out me. And I wonder, is it because I had so much pain and heartache before he was here? I think so. Then he got sick and the pain and worrying resurfaced once again.
Tonight is supposed to be the night he "tries" his bed...that is if I am strong enough to put him there.


My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Such a sweet post...good luck tonight!

Cecilia said...

I completely feel for you. It is very understandable you will feel this way. Do you have some sort of bassinet or play pen he can sleep in next to your bed? Maybe that's something you could consider? Good luck. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Lauren said...

bless your heart for thinking of others, too! Good luck with everything. You're a great mom!